February - Part 1

I'm not too sure where to start. I'm sad.

3 days ago, G and I broke up. There's so much more to it but I've decided that it's not important for this blog.

I started this blog to show my-future-self the highlights of my life and to focus on the present, so that's how it will continue. What is important for me now is that I continue to work on myself as I had planned to this year. I am so so grateful that I had already made a start on this, it's definitely helping me pick myself up from the lows so far.

I started February knowing I needed to take action within myself, I just wasn't feeling my self worth. Something within me wasn't quite right, maybe it's intuition.

So, here's how I intentionally spent the first week of February before the breakup :

• I started to read more, I've been reading a series called the "Ever After" series - it's a bit different to my normal self-help library but the first book was gripping so I found a new love for reading.

• I have also tried to stay consistent with journaling - My mind runs away with itself and it's really nice to be able to put things on paper and let them go.

• I made myself a playlist on spotify to practice manifestation - there's a whole range of manifestation songs on Spotify.

• I started meditating in the evening which has helped me sleep better - I use the app Insight timer and just set a timer for an hour and it turns itself off automatically.

• I made a conscious effort to continue seeing my friends for dinner - Ed and Imogen have been feeding me weekly!

The six nations has started, every year I go round my nan and grandads house and we watch the games together. My cousin also joined us this year and it was so nice! Then the second week for the England/Ireland game my brother and G were there too. It was a really good match. My grandparents won't be around forever and they are ever so special to me, little traditions like this are ones I'll cherish for life. Jojo and Persia brought round some roses for me yesterday and have channelled so much love my way. We weren't supposed to see eachother again until the end of March but with everything going on, they made time. I couldn't be more grateful. I guess if a man won't, your friends will.

I want to spend some time growing vegetables and attracting butterflies, hopefully in the garden of my own home by the end of the year! There is sun shining through my office window now, I really can't wait for the sunnier days to come. I have planted bulbs in my garden, hoping that spring and summer will give me some beautiful colours to admire. I love flowers so much.

Mum, dad and I have started viewing houses. I called a mortgage advisor today to see how much I can borrow and things are progressing for me in this area. I do feel that there is a part of me that is quite sad to not be going through this process with someone else but I'm also so grateful to be able to have the ability to go through it on my own. Not many people are as fortunate as I am. Sometimes I feel that my independence and ability to be alone has hindered my chances of finding someone to truly love me. It seems that the pattern is that the person I am with loses their confidence and feels like they need more excitement in their lives than what I give. I'm trying not to blame myself but I am the common denominator here. I feel like I've been forced into my independence and the 'corporate girl' lifestyle but all I want is to be a housewife and take care of someone that will provide the financial stability. Okay, I know that this seems like a totally unrealistic dream in this day and age and I am willing to work. I've even been told by someone that this set's women back 50 years. I'd like to caveat this with the fact that I believe it's great that women are able to work but I feel like we protested for the choice and now its forced upon us rather than there even being a choice. This could just be me though. I know that I have the ability to be successful within a career and that I'm good at what I do, maybe I'd feel uncomfortable doing less. Maybe it's just because I am dwelling on a lot lately. I know that younger me would be proud of what I have right now. Maybe I should be more grateful.

The 100 day challenge has been going well. I haven't missed a day, even through this heartbreak I have made sure to pick myself up and get moving. My mum helped me on a couple of the days. As much as I have wanted to wallow, doom scroll and isolate myself, I know this is not the right thing for me to do. I know that I am better than that, or at least I know that I can be.

So, the rest of February is down to the universe's plan for me. I guess this blog could become a bit more interesting than I had planned.